Russell Findlay had one question for John Swinney: ‘What was Nicola Sturgeon’s biggest failure in office?’

Good god, man. This thing only lasts 45 minutes.

The member for Glasgow Southside casts a long shadow over Holyrood. Not a literal shadow, mind you. She’d have to turn up on occasion to do that.

But her influence lingers, hence why, two first ministers later, she’s still the topic of conversation at FMQs. Sturgeon announced on Wednesday that she wouldn’t be putting her name forward for the 2026 elections. (She’s standing down to spend more time with her book deal.)

Swinney said Sturgeon ‘gave very strong leadership’ during ‘some really difficult times’, as though we hadn’t noticed that our difficulties just so happened to coincide with Sturgeon running the joint.

His old boss was responsible for ‘a large number of policy innovations’ that had made Scotland ‘a better country’.

Were these policy innovations in the room with him right now?

The Conservatives heckled — they were even rowdier than usual — but there was at least one fan of Swinney’s remarks going by the fulsome applause coming from the backbenches.

By jove! There was her nibs, sitting in the chamber, like a regular MSP. Some retirees find it difficult to adjust after a routine of going into the office every day, but at least Sturgeon won’t have to worry about that.

The first minister (current, not former) scolded Findlay for his ‘graceless tone’. That’s what we all remember from the Sturgeon era: the gracefulness. People would doff their cap before they called you a quisling.

The Conservative leader reminded the chamber that, a decade on from Sturgeon’s promise to close the attainment gap, it was ‘still wide as the Clyde’. Was Swinney prepared, he wondered, to admit he and his pal had ‘failed a generation of young people’?

And, you know, he wasn’t up for that one bit. In fact, he maintained there were ‘clear signs about the future performance of the education system’. There are certainly signs, and all of them have an arrow pointing downwards.

There was only one word that defined Sturgeon, Findlay declared.

Steady, this is a family show.

‘…and that is “division”.’

Findlay has a permanent look of bemusement during FMQs, as though he can’t quite believe 129 people actually get paid to take part in this pantomime every day. Lambasting Sturgeon’s affinity for radical gender ideology, he noted the irony that Scotland’s ‘first-ever female First Minister trampled on women’s rights’.

She was ‘focused on “they/them” instead of improving public services for everyone’, he maintained. I’m not so sure about that. This is still Nicola Sturgeon we’re talking about. Her pronouns have always been I/me.

Swinney eked out a few mentions of Sturgeon-era policy on women, including access to period products and appointing ‘the first-ever gender-balanced Cabinet’. His words buzzed forth slowly and hesitantly, as though coming out of a 1974 Dot Matrix running low on ink.

It’s nice that the first minister wants to big up his bezzie mate’s contributions to public life, but he might have gone with something more than free tampons and giving Fiona Hyslop a job.

If Swinney damned her with faint praise, Findlay broke out the flamethrower: ‘She divided our country, betrayed women, broke her promises to pupils, launched a ferry with painted-on windows, raised taxes, alienated business and allowed drug deaths to spiral to the worst in Europe.’

But other than that she was a good’un.

Findlay was on a roll but got carried away with himself eventually, and claimed: ‘Nicola Sturgeon tried to break up our great country, but we, the Scottish Conservatives, stopped her.’

Settle down, Rambo. You didn’t stop her, the voters did. The Tories played their part but it’s not like Jackson Carlaw was crawling through the jungles of ‘Nam with a bowie knife between his teeth.

Mind you, you can see where the delusions of grandeur come from. Just minutes later, Swinney was pronouncing the Scottish Tories ‘a direct threat to Scottish self-government’. I’m not sure about ‘direct’. The SNP’s still ahead of them in the queue.