The original 2017 Fyre Festival was a disaster. Instead of the ‘luxury villas’ advertised, guests sheltered in disaster relief tents, and the ‘gourmet meals’ turned out to be packaged sandwiches. Thirty-three performers pulled out at the last moment.

The young man behind it, Billy McFarland, ended up owing $26million to investors. He was sentenced to six years in prison for fraud.

Now free, McFarland has announced a second Fyre Festival next April. It says it will be on an island off the coast of Mexico. 

Tickets range from $1,400 at the low end to $1.1million for a package, including luxury yachting and scuba diving. 

He remains hazy about the acts for the comeback festival, though they may include ‘Karate Combat on the beach’ as well as ‘comedy’ and ‘fashion’. But no worries! I have come up with the perfect bill for Fyre Festival II. With a line-up like this, what could possibly go wrong?

Comedy Tent

Straight from his Radio 4 comedy series, I Blame the Tories, stand-up Fred Smirk premieres his cutting-edge topical satire, ‘Blair Should Never Have Taken Us Into Iraq‘.

‘Smirk sets the world to rights in a comedy show that never allows itself to be cheapened by laughter.’ The Guardian (Sponsored by Theranos). 

Food and Drink Stage

Phony Cradock, the foremost Fanny Cradock tribute act, on how to make our favourite 1970s banquet: Black Forest Gateau Topped with Thousand Island Dressing, Chicken in a Basket with Banoffee Sauce, Findus Crispy Tongue Pancakes, Pineapple Rings Filled with Spam, Cheese and Curly-Wurly Fondue and Prawn Cocktail in a Basket.

Entertainment Stage

The all-star bill includes Harry Glitter, the UK’s premiere Glam Rock tribute act, and Wolf Harris: The UK’s leading Rolf Harris tribute act. Introduced by HRH The Duke and Duchess of York.

The Children’s Enclosure

1. Fun former premier Liz Truss presents her immortal children’s character, Larry the Long-Lasting Lettuce. ‘Larry was such a lively funny bouncy little lettuce that he put everyone else to shame! Anyone who tried to outlast him ended up wishing they they had never tried.’

2. After an acrimonious split with Mrs Blobby and a spell in rehab, national treasure Mr Blobby bounces back with his only gig this year. ‘I’m adored for my knockabout humour,’ says Blobby, ‘But in my Fyre gig, I want to show my more sensitive and serious side. And that’s why I’m planning a tribute to Leonard Cohen, with songs like Famous Blue Blobby, Blobby Hotel, So Long, Blobby and the anthem Blobbeluja’.

History Stage

TV’s quick-change historian Lucy Worsley dresses up as each of the six wives of Henry VIII for this roller-coaster ride through a crucial – and nail-biting! – period. ‘What was Henry REALLY like?’ she asks, ‘And will we ever truly know what it felt like to be Anne Boleyn as she placed her head on that fateful block?’

Poetry Arena 

The William McGonagall Memorial Lecture. Leading academic Sarah Churchwell explores The Lyrics of Sir Tim Rice. Of his musical Jesus Christ Superstar, Churchwell argues, ‘No other lyricist in the English language possessed the sheer genius to come up with a rhyme like: ‘Did you mean to die like that? Was that a mistake or/Did you know your messy death would be a record-breaker?’

Literature Tent

Renowned for his exposés of the rich and famous, Tom Bower discusses his recent biographies Anything for Publicity: The Life and Death of Joan of Arc; Robin Hood, King of Thieves; Pull Its Wings Off: The Unauthorised Biography of David Attenborough; and Take, Take, Take: The Secret Life of Father Christmas.

(This year, owing to the unfortunate withdrawal of sponsors Greensill Capital, the tent will have no sides and no roof. Authors are asked to provide their own raincoats, microphones and sleeping bags).